Presidential hopeful John Kerry (D - Massachusetts), today has finalized his political stance on the hotly debated topic 'For.' Persons close to the candidate say they are pretty sure he's against it.
Kerry himself says "'For,' the topic at hand is at the epitome of the demagoguery of idealogues. The position I have now and indeed always have carried regarding 'For', is, my Viet Nam war record not withstanding, that many, or perhaps even a quorum, you could say of the Senate, or in another sense the UN Security Council, one could postulate, that, ipso facto, ad valorum, ceteras parabas, quid pro quo, Voulez vou coucher avec moi, se soir?. And in that I am just like the working Americans trying to build a better life for their families, give or take a few millions in ketchup money."
His top campaign officers assure us he was not speaking to Ms Polier, specifically and also that Kerry did take a position in his statement, though there is a disagreement amongst their ranks about exactly what that position was. Of them 4 out of 7 agree they think he said he was against 'For', 2 thought Bush was actually Hitler and the seventh said 'Where's my free ketchup? I was promised free ketchup.'
A team of experts has yet to yield independent confirmation of any of this.
In a related story, Senator Kerry has announced he's almost ready to firm up his position on the other burning issue, 'Against' and will 'speak' on the 'subject' 'later' this 'week'.
This fake news story brought to you by gazelles. Remember friends, gazelles don't say anything, they don't have voiceboxes.