The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles

3 line Movie Review: The Green Hornet

2011-02-14T11:48:00.000-06:00

No actual hornets appeared in the film.
Cato was a great straight man.
Blue Wombat... heh.

I Was Thinking

2011-02-08T23:00:00.001-06:00

I think Dr. House is a horrible doctor and a rather bad person.

A Willy Wonka Wondering

2011-01-17T21:49:00.004-06:00

I wonder why Willy Wonka, of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, didn't have a British accent, considering the movie was set in England.

I know Johnny Depp is capable of using one. So why shortchange the candy man?

BCS Championship: Tigers vs Ducks

2011-01-10T15:05:00.003-06:00

Let me break this down. Scientifically.

Auburn vs Oregon. Tigers vs Ducks. Tigers, as you know, are cats and Ducks, perhaps you know, are birds. Both are edible according to reliable sources. (A dog I used to own)

If the history of Sylvester and Tweety tell us anything its that the outcome of a matchup of a bird and a cat is not so obvious, unless Spike the Dog and Granny the Geriatric are eliminated from the equation. The bird is only then saved by the mistakes made by the Cat.

A coworker, Wade Denton, told me he is secretly rooting for Auburn QB, Cam Newton to be bitten by a DiamondBack right before the game.

I will now make my prediction on tonight's outcome of the BCS Championship.
Roll Tigers Roll, The Ducks will tee a puddy tat, as they are eaten.

Hello (Again) World

2011-01-03T21:00:00.002-06:00

I am back to blog once more.

Yes really,
I read an interesting piece today, the subject of which falls in the the road to hell is paved with good intentions category. Here is the link to Depth of Field part 1. Take a gander at it.

Anyhoo, I am going to be doing more of this here blog stuff and who know? I might even entertain you!

Back Online

2010-11-26T22:59:00.001-06:00

I am going to be writing again.
Just FYI, for real this time.

Back

2009-11-30T21:01:00.001-06:00

Haven't blogged in a long time.
I guess its time to get back to it.
Hi.

Fred '08 - Friends of Fred Thompson

2007-12-31T18:53:00.000-06:00

Fred '08 - Fred Thompson For President

*Pants Update**

2005-08-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

Still on.

Emergency POST!!!!!!!

2005-08-24T09:27:00.000-05:00

I am so glad I kept this blog as a backup so now I can relate breaking news while my other blog is down. News is BREAKING already!

****BREAKING NEWS*****

I'm not having any gravy with my lunch today. Breaking a two day gravy streak.
developing...

****BREAKING NEWS*****

My sunglasses are still missing.
developing...

****BREAKING NEWS*****

I am wearing pants.
developing...

****BREAKING NEWS*****

Someone's playing baseball near a window.
developing...

****BREAKING NEWS*****

The garbage in my cubicle needs taking out.
developing...

****BREAKING NEWS*****
****GARBAGE UPDATE*****

I took the garbage out.
developed.

****BREAKING NEWS*****

I've got several rolls of film that need
developing...

Flying Space Monkey BACKUP Chronicles Activated

2005-08-24T07:08:00.000-05:00

Well for like the first time I can remember, Mu.nu is having a significant outage and serious downage. And The Mu.nu version of the Flying Space Monkey Chronicles will sit silent and invisible until it experience another significant inage and serious uppage.

The (my) host Pixy Misa is a generous and talented person but when the spam hordes breach the gates and the farkers farking fark the walls down, Jericho eventually will fall.

I will be posting here temporarily and of course at IMAO.US till the Mu.nu server is restored apx 4 hours from now. So now there'll just be intermittent frequent outage here till then.

More coverage of the great munu-out of 2005 at the emergency mu nu blog .

By That Much

2005-08-16T22:19:00.001-05:00

If you are reading this. You missed me.

I've got, relatively new digs where I post daily-ish at the new Flying Space Monkey Chronicles

More recently I got invited to join the group blog experiment. I post some stuff daily yet weakly at IMAO.US.

Even MORE recently I've joined the podcast revolution. If you want to listen to me making audio funny, go listen to the IMAOpodcast.

2004-11-26T10:46:00.000-06:00

Happy day after Thanksgiving.

--

Mobile Email from a Cingular Wireless Customer http://www.cingular.com

2004-11-24T19:45:00.000-06:00

At gatlinburg, no snow, plenty of rain tho. Nice, if u like crowds. Went thru KNoxville on way, Glenn Reynolds wasn't on the n the

--

Mobile Email from a Cingular Wireless Customer http://www.cingular.com

2004-11-23T15:19:00.000-06:00

Test

--

Mobile Email from a Cingular Wireless Customer http://www.cingular.com

10.. 9...

2004-04-02T12:36:00.000-06:00

8...
We are go for launch....
7...
All systems are go...
6...
5...
4...
Ignition sequence started...
3...
Main Engines lit....
2...
SRB's engaged....
1....
Lift off !!!!

Repeat We have lift off of the Flying Space Monkey Chronicles on their one way mission to their new station at Mu.Nu
Seeking life beyong blogger and blogspot amid the Munivians of the Movable Type Cluster.

-----
Update your links! See you there in my new Space, http://flyingspacemonkey.mu.nu.

Blogger/Blog*spot: So long and thanks for all the fish...

Countdown Commenced

2004-04-01T07:34:00.000-06:00

I'm getting ready to launch outta here.

So strap yourselves in tight, this blog is going places.

See there? I told you so.

2004-03-30T09:10:00.000-06:00

Laugh at me will you for wearing an aluminum foil hat to bed,work, church etc? Somebody, and not just any somebody, mind you, the US government's space agency admits they got their mind-read-o-tron working. NASA has developed a 'mind-reading' system and you can read more about it here here.

Well, who's laughing now?

Me, that's who. But in all fairness I was actually laughing before too.

Saving Lives and Staining Teeth

2004-03-30T08:59:00.000-06:00

There will probably never be a good measure to how many lives have been saved due to the invention of coffee.

Properly and frequently brewed pots o' joe keep the nice folks at my work safe from dark forces on a daily basis.

The pot I brew daily at home keeps the ~~idiots~~ commuters on the I-165 Interstate connector seeing daylight, instead of fiery catastrophe too. And thats a good thing. Nobody wants a big fiery catastrophe first thing in the morning.

Yep it's a lifesaver. An unsung hero. I'll tell you what it is, it's wonderful aromatic anti-homicide juice.

I wonder, do they have coffee service on the International Space Station or aboard the Space Shuttle for that matter? I'd like to find out.

Well, gotta jet, time for another cup. A fresh pot's done. I can smell it already. Mmmmm.

Plus they're all safe from angry inner monkeys for a while longer.

Top 10 Lessons for President Bush from The Left Wingers

2004-03-28T00:34:00.000-06:00

10 If there are unfounded allegations against you. Wellllll, that's all the proof we need. You're guilty!

9 Attack ads only work against you, not Kerry and even if they do work against Kerry we'll make sure that little morsel get's spun left.

8 If you did something right in the past, you didn't actually do it, we've got the witnesses to prove it.

7 Even if the economy is better here than everywhere else in the world, it still sucks. And it's your fault.
w
6 You could legalize pot, marry Newt Gingrich and outlaw automobiles thus stopping global warming and we'd probably still hate you.

5 If you do something with only the support of 30 or so nations, it's a unilateral cowboy action.

4 Even though there are no Death Squads, concentration camps, suppression of free speech or Master Race, you are still Hitler.

3 Even though you have as many minorities represented in your admin as Clinton, you are still a racist.

2 If you do something, you either shouldn't have done it, should have done it differently or you're just gonna be ignored be cause it might help you if the media covers it.

And the Number One Lesson for President Bush from The Left Wingers

1 Did we mention that you are Hitler? Well, you are.

There are two..

2004-03-26T21:38:00.000-06:00

Seems like there's two of everything these days.

I recall hearing the John Edwards anthem "there are two Americas."

"Today under George W. Bush, there are two Americas, not one. One America does the work, while another America reaps the reward. One America pays the taxes, while another America gets the tax breaks,"

The business of one does the work and one gets the rewards sounds an awful lot like welfare/entitlement programs to me. But what do I know being a stupid Republican?

Then it seems there are two John Kerry's. And that was according to Howard Dean. You know, the guy that just endorsed Kerry. I guess there are two Howard Deans too. Of course the flip floppiness of Kerry is well known I've commented on it myself once or twice. But I thought this was cute.

Now it would appear there are two Dick Clarkes too.

And no I don't mean there's the American Bandstand, News Year's Rockin' Eve, Never Growing Old Dick Clark and the counter terrorism head Dick Clarke. They do both exist but that not what I'm saying. I mean there's two of the second one, the one's that's got an 'e' in his name. 'E' as in evil.

There's the Dick Clarke that supported and lauded the president's posture and grip on terrorism when he was working for the Gov't here's a quote

...Bush administration decided then, you know, in late January, to do two things. One, vigorously pursue the existing policy, including all of the lethal covert action findings, which we've now made public to some extent.

and the Dick Clarke with the book for sale that doesn't think Bush had a grip on diddly squat. An excerpt of this article reveals Clarke's current position:

"Frankly," he said, "I find it outrageous that the president is running for re-election on the grounds that he's done such great things about terrorism. He ignored it. He ignored terrorism for months, when maybe we could have done something to stop 9/11. Maybe. We'll never know."

Recap Then: "Bush ...decided...in late January, to...vigorously pursue the existing policy.
Now: "he [Bush] ignored terrorism or months".
Isn't the inaguration in January? Yep thought so.

So, it seems like more and more there's two of everybody and they just can't seem to get their stories (lies?) straight.

Maybe we could have a rule: If you change your position,Instead of pretending you never said what you said, you could just say something like "I was a wrong, dumb, misinformed, bad decision making dunderhead back then, now I am on my meds and I'm much smarter now."

Sounds reasonable to me, especially considering how the search engine makes everything availible for practically all time. But what do I know? I'm still that stupid Republican.

Kerry Claims "Unnamed" European Leaders Support Him for President {Best of FSMC}

2004-03-26T15:44:00.000-06:00

{Repeat of March 16,2004}
After Senator Kerry made the claim various foreign leaders have encouraged him to beat Bush in 2004, the names have not been forthcoming. In a bid to defend himself against cries to release those names of Sen. Kerry has offered the following statement.

I will not give up their names. Not even if I could, some of them don't have names, per se. They are more "power behind the throne" types, not names most outside of the elite would recognize. You probably haven't seen photos of most of them, as the majority of them don't have visible reflections. Some live in caves or some are in U.S. custody, some are in exile from their island nations and some rule their Island of Doom Strongholds with a peaceful iron fist. It would be unfair to bring their nefarious yet peaceful causes to light. They don't like light.

However, the newly elected Spanish president, José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, has been vocal in his support of an America ruled by John Kerry. Zapatero said

I think Kerry will win. I want Kerry to win. We leftist Socialists have to stick together.

The response from Kerry's campaign headquarters was along the lines of "Hah! See there? I wasn't lying.... Wait, did he just call me a socialist? Merde!"

This Fake News story brought to you by the John Kerry Supporter Protection Program. Remember friends, the nice folks at the John Kerry Supporter Protection Program say, "We can get you a new name, new birthday and new driver's license in a new city. Basically, we'll help you start over with a new and conservative seeming identity. And no matter what, no one ever has to know you ever supported that frog."

I must be some kind of moron.

2004-03-26T14:37:00.000-06:00

I set up a fan blog for Frank J. of IMAO.

Now it's getting much more traffic than this blog.

Hold Your Fire, W

2004-03-24T09:27:00.000-06:00

Back up, I've been thinking again.

I was thinking about the upcoming presidential election. And I realized something.

Kerry is NOT the democratic nominee, yet.

I know Duh, right? But if efforts to weaken support for him this early on in the campaign actually work, by the time the Democtatic Party Convention finally comes around he will be a beaten and defeated man even before he is actually beaten and defeated. The dems, who aren't total idiots, won't want to run a candidate who appears already beaten and defeated. They're likely to nominate Edwards or Clark or even...her (may her name never be mentioned), just to have a chance at winning the thing.

Save some torpedoes, W. and don't sink him yet. The time to destroy the enemy is when he truly IS the enemy not just the presumptive enemy. And when I say 'enemy' I mean democratic nominee. And when I say 'destroy' I mean, well, ok I mean destroy, but in a non permanent way.

I think a defensive posture is best for the president for now.

Think about it.

Mars Had Standing Water

2004-03-23T14:05:00.000-06:00

The graphic they put up leading in to the science update read "Opportunity Hits The Beach, Will Begin Momentarily"

Having said before that evidence was leading them to believe the rocks were weathered by water, They are taking it a step further.

Based on their best evidence and best minds the NASA scientists are saying that the rocks around the Opportunity rover were formed in water, possibly a shallow sea. The layering on some rocks indicate, upon close examination, that flowing or rippling water was the cause of the sedimentation.

They added that they plan to send the next Lander/rover that is scheduled to go to Mars, the Mars Science Laboratory to this same Meridiani Planum region to continue the research. It will be nuclear powered and will have sample return capability.

Pretty cool stuff. Also they didn't act nearly as nerdy as last time. Just a little nerdy.

Update: complete report from space.com

More Big News On the Way From NASA Re: MARS

2004-03-23T12:28:00.000-06:00

Acording to SPACE.COM NASA is to Announce a 'Major' Discovery by the Opportunity Mars Rover at 2 p.m. ET

That's 1 p.m. CT, I'll let you know what they say. The Man is on a business trip to Europe, so no preemptions are foreseen.

Hmmm, major discovery, my mind boggles....

Could it have found life?
Could it found a big a sloshy rusty mud puddle and then gotten stuck in it?
Could it have found the lens cover for my ~~daughter's~~ telescope which has been missing for months?

Maybe. Who knows what they might have found. We'll find out in just a few minutes.

Hey! I forgot to mention we (citizens of earth) almost got hit by a space rock the other day. How'd ya'll let me get away with that? Oh yeah, I was at Space Camp.

After DHMO-Related Accident, Kerry calls for Ban

2004-03-22T15:58:00.000-06:00

After repeated slips on the ski slopes of Iowa cause Democratic Presidential Hopeful and snowboarder extraordinaire John Kerry to lose his world reknowned composure and curse, Kerry sought an answer to explain how a superior person such as he could have fallen down on the slopes. He found the answer he sought at an environmental activist site.

What is this activist site actively active against? A chemical compound with the little known name DiHydrogenMonOxide or DHMO for short. The Senator from Massachussets had this to say.

I believe this DHMO stuff is so prevalent that my snow board pressed it out off the snow, decreasing friction, causing me to fall. If DHMO leeching out can cause a world class snowboarding expert like me to fall, one can only imagine the damage that any of you lesser sons of [BLEEP]s would be subjected to. We gotta ban this stuff. It's contributing to greenhouse warming, causing erosion and it's actually causes many injuries and deaths annually. Why can't we have a president that cares about these things? The answer? You and I both know we don't....But we CAN...and we WILL.

I care...about my own safety and in some small measure yours as well. And I won't ask anyone to be the last one to die because of DHMO, I'm gonna ban it.

The movement to ban DHMO has been ongoing since 1997. The City of Aliso Viejo, California has reportedly made inroads to outlaw DHMO use there.

This Fake News story brought to you by the word Gullible. Remember friends, the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary, not in mine anyway since I marked it out.

Kerry: With Me America is Gonna be [BLEEP]ing Great

2004-03-21T15:06:00.000-06:00

In typical Kerry fashion, Sen John Kerry describes an America with him at the helm. He made this statement at the Longshoremen's Union in Duh, Mass.

I tell you, with that mother[BLEEP]er Bush in charge, America has been one big [BLEEP] up after another. And its turning into one big steaming pile of dog [BLEEP]. With me America is gonna be [BLEEP]ing great. I'm gonna kick the [BLEEP] out of [BLEEP]ing unemployment. [BLEEP]ing A! I'm gonna pull our troops out of [BLEEP]ing Iraq, and [BLEEP]ing Afghanistan. Those sons of [BLEEP]es have been there too [BLEEP]ing long. [BLEEP], yeah!

I tell you another thing, that [BLEEP]hole, that [BLEEP]sucker in the [BLEEP]ing White House has [BLEEP]ed us in the [BLEEP] for the last [BLEEP]ing time. Not that I am against people [BLEEP]ing each other in the [BLEEP] all they want. But that is beside the point. [BLEEP] us will you, Mr President? NO, Mr President [BLEEP] you, [BLEEP]head.

Kerry was asked by one of the Longshoremen present if he thought he used profanity a little too much. He responded

Listen up you sissy [BLEEP], I was a [BLEEP][BLEEP] sailor in Viet [BLEEP]ing Nam. I [BLEEP]ing curse. Get [BLEEP]ing used to it.

Kerry then kissed his wife with that mouth. Who commented something about "like kissing an [BLEEP] of evil right on the button".

This Fake News brought to you by John [BLEEP]'n Kerry. Remember friends, John [BLEEP]'n Kerry says"Don't be a dumb[BLEEP]. Vote for me, John [BLEEP]'n Kerry or you can go [BLEEP] yourself. [BLEEP]er!"

Back at the Ranch

2004-03-20T13:36:00.000-06:00

Ok it's ranch style not exactly a ranch, But it is home.

Didn't feel up to blogging last night after a 7 hour trip back from the US Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville. Just felt like spending time with my wife and girls whom I hadn't seen in a few days.

Why a 7 hour trip this time when the trip up was only 6? Well, there's this interstate bridge that's about 5 mile long on the approach to home. The arch of the bridge has only two lane and no shoulder, in one of those lanes was a firetruck, a couple of police cruisers and I guess what was left of a vehicle when we got to it. So that had traffic reduced to a crawl for about 2 miles. So that delayed us about an hour.

The final 1/2 day of our US Space Camp/AstroTrek adventure involved getting the boys packed and out of our 'hab', or habitation module, space camp talk for dormitory. Eating a decent breakfast. Then another IMAX movie with another wonderful cup of prohibited coffee. The movie, 'Space Station' was really good, most of it was filmed on the ISS during missions to build it or supply it. Very good, I think Matthew Broderick narrated it.

Then we shopped in the rather large gift shop for about an hour, I spent $75 on souvenirs for myself the daughter with me, the two little monkeys at home and of course Mrs SpaceMonkey.

Then the kids flew their tissue paper hot air balloons. Some went really high. Some not so much, but the kids seemed to enjoy flying what they'd built. Then we loaded up the bus and then..well I already told you about the bus ride.

But the best part was when it was over and getting to reunite with my little family.

Overall, Despite the things that were exactly ideal, it was really great trip. And it's great to be home.

Space Camp Day 2

2004-03-18T22:01:00.000-06:00

Ok, I am live here in the chaparone's room at space camp! Again!

Well, today was different. Turns out 30 minutes isn't near enough time for 20 boys and 3 men to get ready using 4 sinks. We wound up being late for breakfast and only had a grand total of 10 minutes to eat breakfast. I scarfed mine down in a manner I've seen SEAL candidates eat their meals, due to fanship of the learning channel (TLC). I may have been the only one to finish out of our group.

Then we went to an IMAX movie. I took my coffee in direct violation of the posted 'no outside food or drink' sign. No one tried to take my coffee. It was a win-win situation with regard to the coffee.

'Straight Up' was the title of the movie and it was about the helicopters. Pretty good flick except most of the voice over was by Martin Sheen who I disagree with on just about every political matter. Showed lots of ways helicopters are used today. Did you know linemen are lowered onto powerlines to do service on them from helicopters? I didn't. We saw a flying ambulance pluck a avalanche victim out of the ice. We saw the DEA stop a gand of drug smugglers with their helicopter. We watched a Coast Guard Rescue operation using a helicopter. And of course they showed troops being dropped off 'behind enemy lines' and picked up. Did I mention I drank coffee during the whole movie?

I grabbed another cup of coffee after that on the way to the next exercise. Building a paper rocket. These were launched using compressed air. My girls went the highest, even though not the farthest. I was proud.

We rode the space shot, twice. One girl got a panic attack after getting off of this ride.

Then the g-force accelerator which basically spun the living crap out of you. ~40 MPH in was what the ride person said. This was a tight circle around 25 feet in diameter.

Then we made a hot air ballon out of tissue paper. This took about 5 years or so to accomplish. At least it seemed that long. This is where we learned our counselor for the morning (not Lyle) wasn't as easy going as we'd come to expect. Kinda uptight, he kept taking us to places which had lots of seats and getting upset when people would sit down, go figure. Knew his stuff well enough,but had control issues though I guess.

Then lunch of a corn dog and onion rings and diet coke. Kinda spare if you ask me. I got seconds on the onion rings they were pretty good.

I rode the multiaxis trainer, like the one on the space camp movie. My girl came down witha migraine after that. To sick bay we went. I gave her her medicine and she took a nap, I took a nap. 30 minutes later she feels better and so do I.

When we got to supper there was no food left. They had to make chicken fingers for our group.

I'm beat, I'm hitting the rack, more to follow tomorrow, maybe. Fake news too maybe.

And NO Shane, we didn't get meet Jinx. Turns out they scrapped him for parts to repair a vacuum cleaner. And the Shuttle was in the shop for overhaul.

Guess what? Space Camp has Internet!

2004-03-17T22:12:00.000-06:00

Ok, I am live here in the chaparone's room at space camp!
After a 6 hour bus ride with 41 fifth graders. We made it. Our group of 41 kids was split up into two groups. We were assigned a counselor named Lyle, seems like nice kid. Of course I think I probably know more about this space stuff than he does. But you can tell he really likes space and kids so he's nice kid just the same. I think my daughter may have a little crush on him. But it may just be she loves all things space and merely associates him with space camp.

Lyle gave us a tour of part of the rocket park primarily the genuine Saturn V Rocket as well as the mockup which is lit up at night and you can see from literally miles away. Its a whopping 365 feet tall. just like the real thing, but like I said they have the real thing lying on its side separated into its stages as well.

He gave us a nice walking tour of part of the indoor museum accompanied by a short talk about the history of rocketry from the invention of gunpowder up to about the Gemini program. Along the way he talked about all the monkeys they've used in the US space program.

You know, the space monkeys.

There were 4 in all Able, Baker, Ham and Enos. I took pictures. I will get them up here on the FSMC as soon as I get home.

Had supper which was better than expected. Chicken fingers and really good salad. Plus all the 'seconds' you can eat in 30 minutes. Not too shabby.

We went on what can only be called a 'try to wear the kids out but actually wear the chaperones out' scavenger hunt which took us all over the indoor museum to answser quations about the space program. Now I am beat. We'll be going on all the simulators tomorrow as well as seeing an IMAX movie or 2, also on the schedule is the aviation challenge complex.

I got my space camp tshirt as they promised. So I'll be stylin' in it on the way home Friday.

It's up at 7 in the morning and then a full day on all the stuff I said earlier.
Highlight of the day? My daughter asked lot of really smart questions and knew loads of the answers that the couselor asked. That's my little spacemonkey.

Me? I'm hitting the rack. Long day behind, longer day ahead.

Gone To Space Camp

2004-03-17T06:39:00.000-06:00

I'm gone to Space Camp with my daughter and her class till Friday. It's gonna be great!

I'll be blogging if they have internet access. But no promises.

Kerry Claims "Unnamed" European Leaders Support Him for President

2004-03-16T00:24:00.000-06:00

After Senator Kerry made the claim various foreign leaders have encouraged him to beat Bush in 2004, the names have not been forthcoming. In a bid to defend himself against cries to release those names of Sen. Kerry has offered the following statement.

I will not give up their names. Not even if I could, some of them don't have names, per se. They are more "power behind the throne" types, not names most outside of the elite would recognize. You probably haven't seen photos of most of them, as the majority of them don't have visible reflections. Some live in caves or some are in U.S. custody, some are in exile from their island nations and some rule their Island of Doom Strongholds with a peaceful iron fist. It would be unfair to bring their nefarious yet peaceful causes to light. They don't like light.

However, the newly elected Spanish president, José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, has been vocal in his support of an America ruled by John Kerry. Zapatero said

I think Kerry will win. I want Kerry to win. We leftist Socialists have to stick together.

Planetoid News Coverage Preempted

2004-03-15T12:50:00.000-06:00

Well, the Man stepped in and foiled my plans to watch and report on the live news report on the planet sized object discovery.

Space.com finally has this blurb on the subject.

New planet discovery to be announced

2004-03-15T00:19:00.000-06:00

An Australian news source reports a New planet discovery to be announced

The body is believed to be about 2010km across, but may even be larger than the furthest known planet, Pluto, which is 2262km across and was discovered in 1930.

And according to the report, it's going to be called Sedna. Sedna? Why not Gondor or Krypton or even something bland like Sol 10? Sedna sounds like a sugar substitute not a planet.

Strange though no coverage on www.space.com. I was thinking the Aussies got into some bad vegemite or something. How you could ever tell it was worse than regular vegemite I cannot say.
Then I found this article at nasa.gov. The tell there'll be a nasa TV Special.

The discovery of a mysterious object in our solar system is the topic of a listen-and-log-on news briefing on Monday, March 15, at 1 p.m. EST.

I'll try to cover it with my special eye for whatever it is I have a special eye for.

Not that I have a 'special' eye in the normal way people mean 'special'. Also contrary to anything you might read elsewhere it has no more superpower than the other eye. Or less.

Projects Come First

2004-03-11T07:37:00.000-06:00

I have projects that I have to mature before I can go on the Space Camp field trip with my daughter.

So less blogging and more overtime.

Blog at you later.

Update: Here's a topic for you to discuss amongst yourselves while I'm away.

Kerry: Harmless Idiot or Dangerous Imbecile?

About Me

2004-03-10T00:40:00.000-06:00

My official 'about me' post, with as much vague info I can muster.

I am a guy, a married guy, a dad guy, a Christian guy.
I have an American heritage at least 5 generations deep in every branch of my family tree.
I was raised on a farm in the deep South. Specifically Alabama.
I have traveled a bit, never out of the states though.
I now live in a city in Alabama.
I have been a geek pretty much all my life.
I was a big fan of Curious George books growing up.
I used to read encyclopedias for fun.
I went to space camp in Huntsville, AL as a kid. I'll be taking my oldest daughter there for a school field trip next week.
I like Sci Fi books, movies, television shows and computer games, did I mention I am a geek?
I acted some in high school, playing Sherlock Holmes in one particular play
I use to dream of becoming an astronaut till that dream was squashed by harsh reality.
I won a scholarship for highest science ACT score in my home county.
I went to college. I met my wife there.
I like to say bizarre things to get a reaction out of people.
I love sailing ships, aircraft and spacecraft.
I enjoy researching my genealogy.
I can't resist playing with magnets.
I started this blog at the prompting of a friend.
I still don't know where this blog is going but I can't seem to stop, but I can, it seems, pause for a day or two in a row. Stopping doesn't seem to be a option for me, however. For that I am really and truly sorry.

Would ya look at all those I's? Almost makes me seem conceited.

Bush Brushes Teeth, Kerry: I Would Have Brushed Better.

2004-03-09T07:29:00.000-06:00

This morning, President Bush brushed his teeth. According to reliable sources, he only took about half a minute. Democratic Party faithful are outraged that the president would brush when so many in the US don't have adequate dental care and many lose teeth daily to tooth decay caused by the lack of federal funding to promote tooth care and due to the dearth of regulation to punish companies that make sweet desserts.

Others are upset not so much that he brushed but that he did such a poor job. The image of President Bush taking care of his teeth in such a haphazard way evoked the ire of his critics. Presidential hopeful John Kerry blasts, 'I would have brushed better. The American people deserve better than a president who doesn't brush his molars, doesn't know the meaning of the word 'floss' and doesn't even own mouthwash. Mr. President, you want the tooth? You can't handle the tooth!."

This Fake News brought to you by the DNC and the Dentist Association of Massachusetts. Remember friends DNC and the Dentist Association of Massachusetts say 'Bush Lied, Teeth Died.'

VOTE

2004-03-08T08:50:00.000-06:00

There is a ' If the presidential election were held this week, who would you vote for?' poll on MSNBS. By the way, the article is interesting too. But be sure to vote.

Right now Komrade Kerry is ahead with 56% to Brother Bush's 40% and Nutcase Naders's 4% with 180171 votes cast.

Can we improve this? I think we can.

Update: Komrade Kerry is ahead with 56% to Brother Bush's 40% and Nutcase Naders's 4% with 183982 votes cast.
Update: Komrade Kerry is ahead with 56% to Brother Bush's 40% and Nutcase Naders's 4% with 185973 votes cast. Do I sense a pattern here? It's almost, I say almost like those percentages are fixed what do you think?
Update: Kerry 56%, Bush 40%, Nader 4% with 187051 votes cast. Nope nope nope, No monkey business here. Nah, this is probably just the first poll ever that the percentages NEVER, EVER CHANGE. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Update: Kerry 63%, Bush 34%, Nader 3% with 10123 ?? votes cast. What in the world is going on? Now there's LESS votes than before?

I am screaming.

2004-03-08T00:21:00.000-06:00

You know*, I used to make really great chimpanzee noises. Maybe I still can. What am I talking about? Of course I still can. I am the king of monkey chatter, besides a real monkey that is. Well actually, I was never crowned king. But that's beside the point.

And what exactly is the point? I am screaming today, not any sort of monkey scream mind you but screaming just the same. I'm not making any sort of awesome monkey gestures though, they go way better with the monkey noises than without them. Without the monkey noises the monkey gestures really just look plain silly.

But I am screaming just the same. Well, not screaming out loud so much, that'd wake the little monkeys. No, its really more of an internal scream, one you'd hear if I could project my mind into your head. Don't get me started on how cool that would be. For me. Other folks wouldn't like it. That's a given. But with that kind of power I don't think it would bother me what happened to the 'little' people. Ok. Back on subject, screaming.

So. why am I screaming inside my head? Why its because I am sitting here looking at all the peoplessss who've been dropping by my little steaming pile of wonderousity this weekend, and I had nothing fresh for them to peruse, nothing, no fake news, no science nerd stuff, no...what that other stuff do I do? Well, whatever it is I didn't have any of it either. And that makes me sad. That's why I'd be screaming now if I were in a good place to scream, like in the car on the way to work. My comfy chair is not suitable for screaming.

But wait just a cotton picking minute. For most of ya'll its your first visit anyway so it's all fresh then. Right? Right. So I guess I don't feel so bad after all. Why I am even bothered that I've been shortchanging any old body. You've got my old stuff. Some of it is a real scream.

_{*I didn't really think you knew. you know?}

Kerry Endorsed By Aliens

2004-03-05T08:40:00.000-06:00

Following News that, if allowed to vote in U.S. elections, humanity would elect Kerry to be the next U.S. President, aliens of another kind announce they would elect him as well. Celebrations of Super Tuesday victories were interrupted Thursday Night when strange lights filled the sky as Kerry was allowing supporters at the event a sneak glimpse of his pick for VP.

Strobing lights and a throbbing eirie hum filled the arena as a saucer shaped metal craft landed. Then silence. An opening suddenly appeared in the side of the silvery vehicle and a hooded being then emerged and strode across the stage towards the startled Senator from Massachusetts, who by the way served in Viet Nam.

Using a form of mind-to-mind direct communication which boomed in the empty heads of all those present, the being identified himself as 3rd Prelate VtNmBkpdl of the FlpFlp Cluster and immediately expressed his ire for President Bush and his support for Senator Kerry.

[CURRENT ADMNISTRATION'S UNSAVORY PLANS TO ESTABLISH HUMAN PRESENCE ON MOON WHICH ORBITS THIS PLANET AND ALSO FOURTH PLANET FROM YOUR STAR AS WELL AS UNAPPETIZING EFFORTS TO MILITARIZE SPACE ARE DELICIOUS REASONS HUMANS OF AMERICA SHOULD GIVE DIGESTIVE JUICES, SUPPORT AND VOTE TO HUMAN KERRY.

ONE CALLED KERRY FAVORS REDUCING WEAPONS AMONG HUMAN POPULATIONS. FLPFLPIANS AGREE, CONCEPT OF UNARMED SPECIES IS EASIEST TO SWALLOW.

WITNESS WITH YOUR VISUAL ORBS.]

At this point two long pale grey tentacles extended from the cloak which masked most of the alien's features. Many chuckled at the funny alien's joke. Then, to the cheers and applause of the crowd, VtNmBkpdl extended one tentacle towards Kerry who grasped it in a handshaking motion. At ths point a group of Kerry's supporters lined up by the dozen asking to be probed by the alien. The alien further expressed an interest in having many of those present for a meal on board his craft following the party.

The alien guaranteed his kind's help to control the exploding Human population of Earth if Kerry is elected, but offered few details as to what that help might be. VtNmBkpdl continued his mindspeak to provide the media a good soundbite

[KERRY IS MOST EDIBLE CANDIDATE FOR AMERICAN PRESIDENT. FLPFLP SUPPORTS KERRY]

In a related story, France surrenders.

This fake news story brought to you by the Soylent Green Party. Remember friends, the Soylent Green Party says "WE'RE PEOPLE!"

Why Can`t Bush be More Like Kerry?

2004-03-04T15:49:00.000-06:00

Bush using 911 for political gain? Hmmm, interesting. Then we have more from Kerry Spokesperson Stephanie Cutter who criticizes Bush campaign ads for including images from the 911 tragedy. Here's an excerpt.

Most astonishing, George Bush’s ad features a shot of the wreckage of that tragic September day almost 3 years ago, and the firefighters who so bravely worked to save lives.

I just wish Bush would quit using 911 for political gain, he should take the high road like Kerry has done.

Indeed.

Three Way Battle Royale for the Democratic Nomination.

2004-03-04T00:37:00.000-06:00

Its a tight three way race for the Democratic Party Presidential Nomination.

With Edwards fist pumping his way back to South Carolina and with Kucinich a veritable shoo in to get the endorsement and delegates of all the dropouts, Sen. Kerry and former frontrunner Al Sharpton are both faced with the prospect of having to appear completely nutcase, utterly kooky, hopelessly fruitcake and totally fricking flacking bazoodlehopper in order to court the reality challenged constituency making up what is being called the 'Kucinich Clown Posse'.

Kerry and Sharpton both seem daunted in the face of the pie charting behemoth that is the Kucinich Election Machine. Now they must 'go it alone' without their usual sane man foils the suave Wesley Clark and the unflappable Howard Dean. Without the somber balance they brought to the candidate pool, the tone of the home stretch of the campaign will no doubt turn freakish.

This outlook has media outlets scambling for copies of Abnormal Psychology to determine appropriate and politically correct terms to describe Kucinichs political views as well as the expected reactions of his opponents to any public statements he may make.

This fake news story is brought to you by the City of Halifax Nova Scotia. Remember friends the City of Halifax Nova Scotia says "You won't hear of us having any mental hospitals, fruitcakes or madmen here in Halifax,anymore. In fact, in these parts those words and terms are illegal."

Why do I keep doing these quizzes?

2004-03-03T23:31:00.000-06:00

Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?
A Rum and Monkey joint.

Must kill, ha ha, ha ha! Death! Playground antics! Cake and cheese! Yes! you're an

Insane ninja child!
The blast must have hit you particularly strong, because you've gained a billion new superpowers and can take on anyone you want. Even that kid Gunrock-with-nine-arms from down the street. Only problem is, it's driven you completely insane and you now have a thirst for blood equalled only by your thirst for vengeance and peeing in the kitchen bin.

No, stop! That's what the toilet's for. Stop I say!

This result really bothers me, in a way.

hat tip to Mike the Marine.

Recent Linkage TO FSMC: a Rundown.

2004-03-03T22:01:00.000-06:00

Something's up. I keep getting traffic from a smorgasborg of blogs. The following observations seem to be related.

Larry the Liberal is ~~linking to~~ defaming me as the "Lying SpaceNazi" on the Blame Bush Blog Blogroll. "[BLEEP] That BUSH!" For shame Larry, Language!

I have been added to Ed's Monkey Watch List (Blogroll), and to tell you the truth, it's kinda making me just a wee bit paranoid. SHHHHH did you hear that? It's like someone, somewhere is...reading...my...blog. They're reading.... this...verrrry...post...riiiiiight...now. [shudder] Nahhhhh, I'm sure it's all in my head. Yeah,all in my head, No, wait, my hit counter just jumped by one! Who's there? SPEAK UP! I know you're there I can hear you breathing!

Tim is an Englishman, who, incidentally lives in An Englishman's Castle, in England, no less! He has added me to his blogroll after noticing I wasn't on it. Now the obvious question here is 'Why can't everyone out there realize their mistake and forthrightly correct it like Tim has?' Spot on Tim!

I have been listed under "Section Eights" on Mike the Marine's blogroll on the From the Halls of Montezuma to The Shores of Tripoli blog. Section Eight, that's a good thing, right Mike? I tell you those jarheads and their military terms like MRE, BDU, BR549, EIEIO and Section 8. Aren't they a hoot?

Bert over at Dreifuss.org has added a really cool button on his 'Button Only' Blogroll that directs hapless readers to my little outpost. The poor suckers.
------
Mr. Free Market across the pond at Free Market Fairy Tales - Post-links me on the Scrabble name meme thing when he was bored. I think my score was higher than everybodies. Of course my blog name IS freakin' long. So maybe its not fair.

Harvey at Bad Money - Post-linked about how I put him in his place and stuffed him in his locker and took his lunch money, so to speak.

Robert at llamabutcher - Postlinks about the Geek Quiz, I can't really read this blog's archives very easily

This rash of questionable link choices should have everyone and I mean everyone concerned. But I really do appreciate the general linkerousity of all concerned, whatever their misguided motivation.

SpaceMonkey Reports: NASA, Mars, Water and Stuff

2004-03-03T12:11:00.000-06:00

NASA GIVES BRIEFING ABOUT MARS.

First let me get the big stuff out of the way.

In their briefing, NASA said that based on the evidence Rover Opportunity (MER-B) had gathered they are sure with a small degree of uncertainty that there was at one time liquid water somewhere on Mars. The evidence to that effect was pretty much all around and almost everywhere MER-B had been sniffing and grinding. They showed some nice panoramic images of the area and the rocks all look stratified to me, like they had been laid down by sediment buildup.

They said based on three pieces of evidence, which I don't remember off hand, that liquid water existed and made Mars habitable to life as we know it at some unspecified point in the past. Oh yeah, the three things that pointed at water were the stratified rock, the salts found in the pebble like objects and evidence of soluble material being leached out of the bedrock. If my memory serves me.

Later they took a few questions from the press folks who had gathered there and when asked if they could tell if the area was ever a lake they said they couldn't tell if this water action took place on the surface,as in standing water, or underground. I've never heard it postulated that sediment formed underground. I'm no expert on geology that's just my observation.

Now for the small stuff.

The press conference certainly did nothing to change the stereotype that space enthusiasts and/or scientists are geeks. Truly a geekier group would be hard to assemble than the team they put together for the briefing. I wish I had a picture of them to show you.

The graphics were cool. I especially liked the Mars Sample Return Mission animation.

Did they answer my questions about the images from before? Weellll, Yes and No

Yes:
The first picture, the one of objects looking like little spherical pellets, they called these things 'blueberries.' They said blueberries are, based on their sulfur content (they ground into a few), are little balls of Epsom salt like you'd buy at the drugstore to soak your feet in. I don't think Epsom salt comes as little balls, correct me if I'm wrong. Probably has to do with how dry they are there on Mars or something

NO:
The the second picture, the noodle looking thing they did not even address, unless they did it at the very beginning of the live feed, which I missed. A cover up? Who can tell?

When the briefing was over they put up the NASA logo reminiscent of a message from StarFleet Headquarters. I DID happen to screencap a shot of that.

What geeks we are. What geeks we are, I freakin' loved that part.

Coming up Today

2004-03-03T07:32:00.000-06:00

My take on yesterdays big NASA Mars water press conference and few other choice pieces of trivial nonsense.

FSMC is Formatting funky today in your browser.

2004-03-02T08:55:00.001-06:00

My CSS file is not loading for some reason. I'm looking into it.
Update: ok got a temp fix going, blasted comcast. Thanks Shane.

NASA to Announce "Significant Findings" regarding Water on Mars Tuesday

2004-03-02T08:34:00.001-06:00

Read more here

Hey, that's today! Cool! Then maybe they will explain what these are.

and what this is

Apprentice 2

2004-03-02T07:37:00.000-06:00

Don't do it. Don't give him the chance to tell you "YOU'RE FIRED"

He'll fire you in front of everyone on TV and to make it worse president Bush will make no effort to stop him.

You have been warned.....

Henchmen Wanted: Apply at SpaceMonkey Island

2004-02-29T23:22:00.000-06:00

I am 69% Evil Genius

Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings.

Take the Evil Genius Test at fuali.com

Buwahahahhahahaha, My legions are.....legion! [wrings wrists] Did I mention I invented the internet?

Hat tip to Steve.

Water At A Red Planet Near You?

2004-02-29T23:03:00.000-06:00

Mars: A Water World? Evidence Mounts, But Scientists Remain Tight-Lipped

From their shutupedness, it looks likes NASA might actually have some news forthcoming about water on Mars. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

MSNBC Reports on Poll That Blogging Still Infrequent, Well, Duh!

2004-02-29T21:03:00.000-06:00

Blogging still infrequent, study finds

Despite the potential of turning every Internet user into a publisher, relatively few have created Web journals called blogs and even fewer do so with regularly, a new study finds.

Some bloggers indeed update their journals often, in some cases several times a day. But it's clearly a minority who are taking advantage of the blog and its potential to steer the online discourse with personal musings about news events and daily life.

What? You mean people with jobs other than publishing or writing aren't publishing and writing more than fulltime publishers and writers with their cadre of support employees who do editing, fact checking and layout?

Inconceivable!

I really just don't see how that's possible.

But seriously, how many people started home newspapers or newsletters when they had all the tools they needed: Intel 386 home computers, text editors, MS paintbrush and color dotmatrix printers? A few, to be sure. But why not 100%? Well, it's like any undertaking, costs (time, money) were too high or interest in the effort is too low or the concept doesn't fit into their world view. Today when I talk to most people about weblogs I usually get that puzzled, head cocked to the side look You know the one. It's the "You have a what? A blawg? That like some sort of blue dawg?" look. With blogs you get it or you don't. Maybe more accurately, you get it, immediately, you won't get it, ever or you will get it, eventually.

I fell into the you WILL get it, later bucket.

At first I just read my friend Shane's blog and then shortly after that another friend Steve's blog. Then I branched out from there and read a few other blogs that they had linked to on their blog rolls and then a few further out from there. Some I liked that continued to draw me back and of course many I never returned to. But I found myself in awe of the potential of this mode of communication. I wanted to join this community to have my voice heard, my words read, but I needed a little push.

Shane started to talk to me about starting my own blog. He finally talked me into it when his head shaking reaction about my choice of blog names told me it was odd enough to merit my efforts. And then this freak show began. Luckily, I've had a good bit of technical support from Shane, most it seems have to go it alone. I don't get the traffic some do, but then, I recognize I am an acquired taste. I have to grow on people just like the idea of keeping an online journal had to grow on me.

But the communication is happening, Now that I have started doing this I don't know that I could stop. I am compelled to try to improve every aspect of my little enterprise here and also to try to reach a wider and maybe even weirder readership.

It takes time, it's a growth thing. Give us all some time, we're going it relatively alone. It brings to mind a quote, what's that quote about how long it took to build Rome? Yeah, that's the one.

Scrabble© Rouser

2004-02-29T00:30:00.000-06:00

Pholph's Scrabble Generator

My Scrabble© Score is: 60.
What is your score? Get it here.

hyuck hyuck

Update: Whoops forgot to credit Bryan, found at Arguing With Signposts

Feedback

2004-02-27T14:58:00.000-06:00

I am considering giving the subject of Monseur Heinz as Harvey calls him, a rest from my persistant however dull wit.

Gentle reader, In a bold and selfless move I'm asking you for your opinion on the matter. To that end I ask you to buck up your courage and read at least two or three of the fake news stories I've written recently (there's some funny in there somewhere, so keep going till you find it) before letting me know what you think.

If you think I've worn the topic out and should find another untapped well, tell me where you think I should direct my groundbreaking, subtle and undefined brand of ~~swamp bilge~~ humor.

Tell me 'Kerry is the thinking man's Darth Sidious' or something similar, if the Kerry thing is working for ya.

Or "Stick a banana in it monkey boy, this blog blows chunks" If you think the mothership should come back to collect her son.

People of Earth, what do you say? Let your voice be heard! Drop me a comment. I'm ~~commentwhoring~~ listening.

Update: To comment, click on the 'Speak you Monkeys' link below this post, it's orange.
Update again: Duh, I forgot the label on the comments link changes when I actually get a comment then it beceomes '(#) trained monkeys speak.' Oh and thanks for the advice so far.

Kerry `Against` `For`

2004-02-27T00:50:00.001-06:00

Presidential hopeful John Kerry (D - Massachusetts), today has finalized his political stance on the hotly debated topic 'For.' Persons close to the candidate say they are pretty sure he's against it.

Kerry himself says "'For,' the topic at hand is at the epitome of the demagoguery of idealogues. The position I have now and indeed always have carried regarding 'For', is, my Viet Nam war record not withstanding, that many, or perhaps even a quorum, you could say of the Senate, or in another sense the UN Security Council, one could postulate, that, ipso facto, ad valorum, ceteras parabas, quid pro quo, Voulez vou coucher avec moi, se soir?. And in that I am just like the working Americans trying to build a better life for their families, give or take a few millions in ketchup money."

His top campaign officers assure us he was not speaking to Ms Polier, specifically and also that Kerry did take a position in his statement, though there is a disagreement amongst their ranks about exactly what that position was. Of them 4 out of 7 agree they think he said he was against 'For', 2 thought Bush was actually Hitler and the seventh said 'Where's my free ketchup? I was promised free ketchup.'

A team of experts has yet to yield independent confirmation of any of this.

In a related story, Senator Kerry has announced he's almost ready to firm up his position on the other burning issue, 'Against' and will 'speak' on the 'subject' 'later' this 'week'.

This fake news story brought to you by gazelles. Remember friends, gazelles don't say anything, they don't have voiceboxes.

A Poem Relevant to Something Irrelevant

2004-02-26T09:32:00.000-06:00

Read the Space Monkey King.

I don't think I'll post here it so, just go read it for yourself.

Kerry Affronted At `Flip Flop` Flap

2004-02-25T00:42:00.000-06:00

Responding to critics that he has 'flip flopped' on several issues for which he has been visibly critical of President Bush yet supported vocally as well as with his vote in the Senate, Democratic hopeful Sen. John Kerry (D- Massachusetts) had the following rebuttal:
"I have never flip flopped on any issue. To me the concept of a flip flop is cheap, common, vulgar and is a blatant unpatriotic attack on my spotless war record. And we never, ever flip flopped in Viet Nam during the war. "

"I may clog up the issues. I may slide here and there regarding an issue or two. I may at times sandal about an issue if I so choose. Yet, I would prefer to be considered one who Birkenstock's frequently and expensively on the issues, any issue. But this accusation that I 'flip flop' [spits], sacre bleu! moi? no, no, no! I apologise for being such a mule about this.

This fake news story brought to you by Kerry Flip Flops. Remember friends, Kerry Flip Flops with their patented 'waffled sole', provide the perfect balance of support, or not, you need in casual footwear. They come in PAC's of one, so use one on whichever leg you are trying to stand at the moment.

W00h00 ! @m 40% 633k!

2004-02-24T12:17:00.000-06:00

I am 40% Geek

You probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. You never really fit in with the "normal" crowd. But you have friends, and this is a good thing.

Take the Geek Test at fuali.com

-I guess to be 100%, one would have to write their own linux kernal, alone, during a marathon caffeine-laden coding session and not even desire the ability communicate verbally.

For those of you thinking of taking the test. wait till after you take it to click the following. all about l337

@nd N0 p33k!n6!

Update: Oh yeah, I went and got me some of that there trackback. Thanks Haloscan. Track it out!
Update: Thanks to Shane for point this out to me on Steve's Website.

New World Created: Reactions Abound

2004-02-24T12:02:00.000-06:00

The BBC reports the US Army has created or is creating a new Earth.

Already reactions are pouring in, predictably. Here's a sample.

Official UN Press release: The US should have asked for the international community's approval to create this new world. Unilateral actions like this will result in many, many carefully worded yet only vaguely threatening resolutions to follow this release.

Terry Mcauliff of the DNC: "It will be a glorious world, a worker's paradise and to think it was built using gloriously collected taxes by a government agency. Ooooh, just glorious. I think I messed my pants."

Ralph Nader: "The first thing this new world needs is a law against cor-po-wa-tions, insipid evil cor-po-wa-tions, then the second thing it needs is a law against any more laws. On second thought, there should no plans to put humans there at all. They, I mean, WE would just pollute it."

Al Gore: "The.....Army... creating.... a..... world,.... a..... so.... called..... new..... Earth..... is..... an..... achievement..... akin.... in.... many.... ways...... to..... my...... creating.... the.... inter" quote ends, correspondent slipped into coma.

More as this story unfolds....

This fake news story brought to you by The Man. Remember friends, The Man says 'Get Back To Work!! Or The Beatings WILL Resume!!'

Over 93 Percent Jobless Rate Predicted

2004-02-23T14:47:00.000-06:00

Another person in New York lost their job this week in the most public way possible, on broadcast television. The job loss marks the seventh of the 'season' and was announced in advance as were the other 6. President Bush said he plans to add 2.6 million new jobs this year. Yet estimates from the Trump corporation are that a total of 15 out of 16 Trump employees will have lost their jobs when the round of firing is over. That is more than a 93% reduction of force and is severe by anyones measure. There is no word from the White House to move forward with any plan to stop the hemmoraging of jobs from Trump Industries.

Week after week, CEO Donald Trump continues to fire employees as America's TV viewing populace is powerless to stop him. With the current administration in the White House seemingly indifferent to the plight of Trump employees, the bleeding off of American Jobs is sure to continue.

This fake news story brought to you by Donald Trump. Remember friends, Donald Trump says 'YOU'RE FIRED!'

Libertas Rodentia

2004-02-22T22:05:00.000-06:00

Is it my imagination or is there a lot of mouse imagery used in this report on the outcome of the Libertarian Party Wisconsin primary?

I know Wisconsin is known as the "cheese state" but c'mon, that was just a wee bit TOO cheesy.

Blame Bush

2004-02-22T02:17:00.000-06:00

I laughed till I cried. I Blame bush

He looked at me as if I had just crawled out from a sack of wet squirrels.

Priceless

Rex Hammock meets the POTUS

2004-02-21T23:47:00.000-06:00

Maybe I dont get out much but I've never read this guy before today.

But freak!

You gotta read this. He got to meet W! And wrote very eloquently about it to boot.

My favorite part?

If George W. Bush could spend 25 minutes chatting with everybody in America like he did with me and five other folks today, he would win any election by a landslide.

Bush `Troubled` by Necrophi1iac Marriage Issue, Kerry `Confused`

2004-02-21T14:01:00.000-06:00

Bush 'Troubled' by Necrophi1iac Marriage Issue
Washington - President Bush said Wednesday he was troubled by weddings between the living and the dead in Kansas City and by legal decisions in Iowa that could clear the way for necrophi1iac marriage. "

"I have watched carefully what's happening in Kansas City, where licenses were being issued, even though Missouri law states otherwise," Bush said. "I have consistently stated that I'll support law to protect marriage between one living man and one living woman who are not descended from one another and farm animals, farm implements nor the dead should be involved either. Obviously these events are influencing my decision."

He didn't answer to say if he was nearer to giving support of a constitutional ammendment to forbid necrophi1iac marriages, as conservative groups say the White House has assured them the president will do.

Presidential Hopeful Sen. John Kerry expressed support for those who choose the necriphi1iac lifestyle, but said he thought the issue of marriages between the living and the dead should in the perogitive of the individual states. "Really, I'm confused, who's being harmed here? I mean, they aren't going to get any deader are they?", Kerry deadpanned.

This fake news story brought to you by France. Remember friends, French people say "American, you want marry dead person? No? Come to France."

Truthlation of "A Message from Governor Dean"

2004-02-20T00:07:00.000-06:00

Since I hear Dean was finally bugging out, bailing and ditching his quest for galactic empire. I thought I would see what the Dean for America blog was saying, if anything, at this late date. I found A Message from Governor Dean But there were some ~~just plain bs~~ misleading or delusional statements so I, in the public interest, did a Truthlation of the message.

Truthlation? Mwhuh?, you say? Well, mwhuh indeed.

In case you are wondering what the freak a truthlation is, a Truthlation is similar to a fisking. Instead of a stinging rebuttal following the quote, what follows is the translation to truth*, saying what the person would have said if they were being more forthcoming and honest, even to themselves. Hence Truthlation. (Look ma, I coined a phrase.)

Truthlation('A Message from Governor Dean')

Governor Dean sent the following message to supporters tonight.

Ex-Governor Dean sent the following message, after the original message was reviewed to ensure any 'Captain Insano routine' bits were deleted, to supporters tonight.

You folks are the best!

You folks are the best bunch of losers to ever help me lose a campaign!

I hope you will all keep active both in our new enterprise as we develop it, but also in the short term.

I hope you let me finish ruining your lives, you're all fairly young and I think I can make a few more bucks off you yet.

We can still send delegates to the convention, and we should.

We're not through losing here. Our defeat has just begun! The crushing blow of death still looms ahead! Our defeat will be final and while maybe not not fatal, perhaps maimal, is that a word, when it comes and it should.

If you are in a state with district, and state conventions, please make sure everyone goes, so that we send all the delegates we are entitled to.

Ok I'm begging now, I have got just a few bucks left. Go work and support my losing cause but now with no campaign ads.

If you are in a state that has not yet voted, be sure to vote. We'll have a great time at the convention.

If you are in a state that has not yet voted, still vote, for me. At the convention, I'm buying iced mocha latte`s with a dash of cinnamon for everyone, with your own donations! And By the way I do this great insane guy impression. Oh, you've seen it.

Thank you all for how hard you have worked, how much money you raised.

Thank you for all the, now meaningless, help you provided in my defeat, really. and thanks for all the nickel amd dime donations too.

And thanks for getting involved.

Thanks for nothing.

It feels a h*ll of a lot better to try and lose, than not to try at all.

Hahaha Hillary, how many democratic presidential nominations have YOU lost? I'm king of the WORLD, Wahoo!

In any case I have to say that I don't really feel like we have lost.

In any case I have to say that I am an idiot, still unable to accept defeat even though that is all there is for me to accept.

We only lose if we quit.

We lost, I quit. I'd LOVE to think we didn't quit, and we just dropped out but we got our stuff handed to us in a neatly wrapped package.

There is an enormous amount of power in numbers, and we can still change this country (and that is exactly what we're going to do!).

There is an enormous amount of power in numbers. For instance the number zero when refering to the number of states I finished first in has the enormous power to make me quit. You see, there's an even more enormous amount of power in larger numbers. Yeaaaarwhatever.

Many thanks,

Shutting up now,

Howard Dean

Howard Dean

See, isn't the truth* better? Now I feel better. Don't you?

Sidenote: I'm kinda sad Dean has quit, he was fun before his keepers put the leash on, or he went back to the factory or whatever.

_{* as I see it.}

Kerry-Polier 2004 - Revisited

2004-02-18T12:03:00.000-06:00

Harvey of bad money has suggested (for reasons that best go unmentioned, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, this never happens to me, honest!) that we demand a '7 *second*' interval documentation of their lives instead of the seven minute version I mentioned recently.

I want to emphasize those are his asterisks, not mine. The quotation marks (') are mine but as to the asterisks, those are definitely Harvey's. With that issue settled, we now return back to topic.

Harvey,
We could ask for that (7 *second*s) right now but kind, friendly, naive Harvey, that would cut practically to the end of our accusations of deception and our fingerpointing fun.

You see, Following the Terry Mcauliff Scandal Handbook 2004 Release the plan is we get the 7 minute version, pretend to peruse it for a millisecond or two and THEN declare/demand, in order,
"Hey, what are you hiding here? There are 6 minute 59 second gaps between every entry."
"Where's the video coverage?"
"Why is there no independent confirmation of the 10:33am restroom entry of July 3rd, 1989?"
"Where are the botox treatment entries?"
"What is NOT in here says more than what IS in here!"
"What's ~~BUSH~~ Kerry covering up?"
"Fake medals!"
"Wink."
"NUDGE!!!"

Then we demand and get the one minute version and keep going and keep going until ~~Kerry~~ Bush is elected or some other more scandalous scandal is generated from all of this sewermongering.

Be patient, Harvey, we'll get the 7 *second* version, don't you worry. Don't you worry.

Kerry Complicit Concerning Communist Contribution Connection? NBC News Nut Nixes Notion Neatly

2004-02-17T23:19:00.000-06:00

In what can only be termed AlliterationGate, an NBC producer reports in a MSNBC article that Chinese arms money was funneled through Kerry's Senate reelection campaign. Get this, Kerry is repeatedly defended in the article ~~not~~ surprisingly by the journalist reporting the story.
Case in point, first Kerry is characterized thusly

Senator John Kerry, D-MA, unwittingly tried to help a Chinese espionage agent and arms dealer in 1996

Yes, of course it was unwittingly that seems to be the emerging theme of his life.

[There is no evidence Kerry knew of the illegality.]

Ok, that's a relief, but too bad that's not a valid defense, lack of proof does not equate to proof of lack...WHOOPS...Sorry folks, I thought for a minute there we were talking about a Republican, Never mind. Innocence presumption resumed. Now, where was I?

Kerry could not have known, until Chung pleaded guilty and began talking to investigators in March, 1998, that the money he needed so desperately back then was tainted

Of course he couldn't have known, he's just really repeatedly easily duped and the money, hey, he needed the money.

Is this a quality we want in a commander in chief? Someone who believes everything he's told? Until he's told things are otherwise and cries foul? Then whines ' I was misled, MISLED'. Never mind you are not being lied to if the person speaking is speaking the truth as they know it.

A lie lies in the intent behind the words, not in the words themselves.

Ok that was a little serious, So let me end this by saying 'Commie Cong Kerry Keeps Corrupt Campaign Coin 'Cause Contributors Can't Contradict Currency Kookamonga Curry Chicken'

With AOLgate Seemingly Past, Choppergate Erupts

2004-02-17T10:31:00.000-06:00

Today Democratic Presidential hopeful Sen. John Kerry attacked the president's disclosure in the AOLgate scandal, at a rally in Wisconsin where a primary is taking place today.
Kerry says "Bush misled us about who was in the AOL commercials. Bush previously has admitted he doesn't read the newspaper. Well, {chuckles} apparently he doesn't read the TV Guide either. "
{Kerry chuckles some more}
"He faux pased when he said those were cast members of something called 'West Coast Choppers',when the record clearly shows the Discovery Channel show is 'American Chopper'."

The show features the employees of the family-owned Orange County Choppers who build custom motorcycles.

Kerry continued, "I watch the show all the time and am a big fan. But Bush obviously doesn't know anything about American pop culture and Bush obviously doesn't know anything about choppers. I, for one, know all about choppers; because I flew in a great big green one when I was leaving Vietnam, with all my medals."

This fake news story brought to you by Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys. Remember friends, Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys say 'No unilateral deployment!, No freedom for Oil! We preemptively surrender! Vote Kerry!*'
_{* No, don't really vote Kerry - ed. Thanks, Mike the Marine}

BUSH-AOL link confirmed

2004-02-17T00:25:00.000-06:00

Under fire of most hurtful accusations to date, George W. Bush, this morning released his complete credit card records to the public domain. Examination of the records reveals a late December 2003 payment was made to an account linked to the accounts receivable department of the TimeWarner media conglomerate holding 'America Online', also known as AOL.

This afternoon, President Bush, in a prepared statement, admitted he had been connected to AOL in the past.
" I was drawn in by AOL's cool commercials involving the cast of West Coast Choppers. Watching those guys argue and build custom choppers is great fun. They are great Americans living the Great American Dream. Also the speed that was promised during those commercials was quite enticing. I had hoped to fast forward to November and hurry up and thrash any French looking treasonmongerin' opponent I might happen to face in the General Elections.
I canceled the AOL account when I realized it was slower to connect than a left leanin' media outlet connects to a French kissin' scandal. Ok, that was unfair, AOL WOULD connect in less than two days. Anyway, I'm goin' broadband. Pro'bly cable."

This reporter for one, is glad to put this ugly ugly,chapter behind us.

This fake news story brought to you by BIG Cable Internet. Remember friends, BIG Cable Internet says 'Dialup bites and AOL sucks'

Kerry-Polier 2004

2004-02-16T22:59:00.000-06:00

Hey now, no fair, We all need to drop this 'Kerry/affair' story. We really need to just drop it.

And we will drop it as soon as Kerry and Polier account for every minute of every day of their lives so that we might be able to categorically know for CERTAIN that they were never left unsupervised together for more than say 7 minutes. That way we'll know nothing ever happened and there won't appear to be any sort of double standard.

She says:

"I have never had a relationship with Senator Kerry, and the rumors in the press are completely false."

and also

"I never interned or worked for John Kerry," she told AP over the phone.

Notice, how what she said was all in the past tense, 'Never had' and 'Never interned or worked'. I mean, great Scott Ott!, she completely forgot to deny it in the present time! This could be going on now!!!! NOW!!!

He could be slipping off to Kenya every night.

Plastic Turkey!

2004-02-16T00:18:00.000-06:00

Go James Lileks!

The delusions of their fringe have become articles of faith for the mainstream. Bush was AWOL! Bush knew! Bush lied! Bush never flosses! Skull and Bones! Plastic turkey!

I...can't...breath,...too...freakin'...funny.....Plastic turkey!

Don't forget, Bush lowered taxes! No wait, that's one they want us to forget.

And their cries of 'Free Saddam Now! Free Saddam Now! FREE SADDAM NOW!' ring out from the hills to the sea don't they?

Happy Migraine Day

2004-02-14T23:55:00.000-06:00

I spent the whole day in bed today dealing with a supersized headache.

Hope yours was better.

Update: I guess I did get that nap and even the face numbing! BUt I'm all better now thanks.

My Funny Bone is Broken

2004-02-13T15:15:00.000-06:00

My funny bone is broken. Not only do I feel nothing I've tried to post this week is remotely funny (I've deleted at least 5 posts), I can't seem to find the humor in things I would normally find funny. For example, I watched Friends last night. I hardly even smiled through the whole thing. My lovely and adoring Karen, sitting beside me was laughing on and off during the whole show. Admittedly the show does seem to be trying to be more poignant and introspective during it's final season, but still, I'm thinking, Hey, I should be laughing at this stuff, What's wrong with me?.

That was when I realized my funny bone is broken.

I laughed just once today. One good long hard laugh today when talking to my boss. I said 'If things keep going the way they are going, I was going to turn into [the CEO of our corporation]'. He laughed. I thought he was laughing because he thought I meant I was about to stage a coup d`corp to become CEO of our corporation (HAH, I would laugh at that too, if I could laugh that is) I attempted to recover saying 'I mean, I am becoming [CEO'S Name]esque'. Which, come to think of it, is actually to say devoid of humor. Think Donald Trump, eating lemons.

My boss said 'I thought you meant when you are leaving today you were going to sit and wait till you saw [CEO] crossing the parking lot and then', pantomiming hands on a steering wheel, "Turn into him'

That I laughed at.

I can laugh at the thought of someone being ran over by a mid sized SUV but not at the Daybyday cartoon, not at Friends or my other usual humor inputs. How sick is that?

To make thing worse, my usually deep well of conversational witicisms is drier than Joe Lieberman reading a white paper on html, in hex.

When, I'm being spoken to, I just nod and agree, nod and agree, nod and agree or sometimes I shake my head, not to disagree mind you, just when it seems I need to shake my head based on the tone of the other person's voice. No fiery repartee or abrupt changing of subjects to something tangentially similar but only just barely so. Just nod or shake.

No. No, my wits are so dull it actually hurts to try to use them. My funny bone aches when I try to put any weight on it.

My energy, adrenaline, strength has outsourced to India. Gone. Even caffeine, dear sweet caffeine, doesn't fully wake me up I relegated the wisp of energy I get from caffeine to more mundane tasks of life. Such as keeping my heart beating, and my lungs filling and emptying. Anymore to ask of caffeine is too much.

I'll gonna get my funny bone put in a nice cast and then, then I'm going to take a stone cold, dead serious,face numbing nap. And while I nap, I'm going to try to dream of making monkey noises and relive the golden days when I laughed with and at others.

I'm going for that nap now, Wake me in November if you don't mind.

Update: Mike the Marine has diagnosed me with beal

My views/opinions/posts whatever.

2004-02-12T10:31:00.000-06:00

The views expressed on this website/weblog are mine alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer.

from here.

My views/opinions/posts whatever, are just that, mine They do not necessarily express the company policy of the company for which I work or the individuals to which I report. I might be wrong, I might be right, I might be crazy or I might just be mad. No warranties expressed or implied.

Monkey Hater breaks 1M hits

2004-02-11T21:42:00.000-06:00

Upchuckle, transitive verb, ( '&p-ch&-k&l) To laugh quietly or to oneself till one throws up on oneself.

Frank J, at IMAO, one of my influences in my quest to make folks laugh if not puke for whichever reason, just broke 1,000,000 hits.

So what's the score here at the FSMC?

We...just...scraped...past...1K.

Frank J, is a riot. I should be so funny. Unfortunately he doesn't like monkeys.

Still Working Hard for the "Man"

2004-02-11T10:37:00.000-06:00

.....

Work Deadline Looms.

2004-02-09T12:53:00.000-06:00

No meaningful posts today.

Yes, just like every other day. Except with fewer words from me.

Kerry did what when he was commander of Swift Boat 44?!?!

2004-02-07T00:54:00.000-06:00

Hmmmmm, this does not bode well for Kerry.

Ohio officially 38th state to ban .g.a.y. marriage

2004-02-06T23:05:00.000-06:00

From CNN.com - Bob Taft, governor of Ohio, signs bill making state 38th to ban same sex marriage

Outstanding, I guess America's heartland still has some heart, after all.

Coffee: Creamer, Sweetener, Black or Not at all?

2004-02-06T00:25:00.000-06:00

As I've said before, I ~~like~~ ~~love~~ require my morning/afternoon/evening coffee. I need at least 4 fillings of my two cup capacity travel mug to get my day started, never mind what it takes to be optimally functional, whatever that is.
If I haven't said it before, no, decaf. IS NOT, repeat NOT coffee, it's warm flavored artificially colored water for ~~losers~~ people who want to look like they're drinking real coffee.

How do I take my coffee? Thanks for asking. 2 Creamers, no Sugar. And I don't stir it, I add the creamer and let the coffee mix it as I pour it in on top. I'm lazy that way.

My query for you is this. Do you drink coffee and if so how do you like YOUR coffee? How many cups a day do you put away? And as long as we're on the subject, do you mind making a fresh pot I could really use a cup or 12. Hey, don't give me that attitude, I brewed the last one, its your turn.

Phase Of Matter

2004-02-05T10:22:00.000-06:00

I must be a real old timer at the tender age of 33 because I can remember when we had 4 phases of matter: Vapor, Liquid Solid and Plasma. But the first three I mentioned are all you or I run into on a day to day basis. I guess you could say it's a good thing we don't run into plasmas, they're freakin' HOT (the Sun is a plasma)

Now they are coming fasting and furious, Added just recently are Bose-Einstein condensate, A Fermionic Condensate and A New, Supersolid, Phase Of Matter and these all exist under conditions approaching absolute zero.(glad I don't bump my knee on this stuff too).

OK, My math says 7, of course antimatter would double that and mirror matter(if it exists) would double it again.
That's a freaking lot of phases! So 28 kinds of matter. Makes me wonder, what does the future hold?

Bryan No longer Arguing with signposts

2004-02-05T00:39:00.000-06:00

After 12 months, Bryan over at Arguing with signposts is arguing no more. At this writing there is no word on whether the signposts or Bryan won the yearlong verbal melee. We'll miss him.

FSMC - Europeans want to send humans to Mars - But Won`t

2004-02-03T21:15:00.000-06:00

2/3/2004-- Europeans want to send humans to Mars but won't. The European Space Agency has announced they want to start a manned space program with the end result being humans on Mars. But they say "Don't hold us to that. Remember, we tried to send a lander there too and see how that turned out. There are a quite a few things we want to do with our space program but so far haven't been able to do. The lander was a failure at delivering functional hardware to the surface of Mars, but it was quite the success at delivering ESA functionaries the hard cash right here on the surface of Earth. However,we are certain that we hit it, in other words, the Beagle has crash-landed. "

"And we continue full faith and confidence we can deliver other "successes" like that in the near to long term future. And if we never hit a another space rock with our hardware...we are sure that...we fell confident in the utmost we CAN start the program. We CAN spend every Euro budgeted for the program and then some. We might even be able to build some nice looking hardware that we'll proudly put the ESA logo on and blow it up trying to put it in orbit. Optimistically, a few tries later we'll promptly smash one onto the surface of the moon and later, within say, five to ten years, if ever, later, we'll smash a similar model on mars. But put a living human being on the Moon or Mars? We wouldn't dare try that, really, I just don't see it. Seriously, let me see if I can name all the European Space explorers to go into orbit onboard ESA built space craft......hmm...yes.. no... he was onboard a shuttle......and then there was....no...he was on a Soyuz.....aha..yes...now I remember. Yep, nobody, zippo, nada. We want to really, really bad, but it seems we won't to just as badly. We think it is technically feasible to conduct a failed mission on the moon between 2020 and 2025 and then send a similarly fated mission to Mars between 2030 and 2035. Honestly though, we just couldn't let the American president Bush's unilateral Moon-Mars space speech go unanswered. We have a space program too. remember?' said Francko Nogo-nogo, project manager of the ESA’s fledgling Argh-Ruh-Roh space exploration program.

Fresh FSMC Fake News brought to you by...Unnamed Democratic Candidate. Remember friends Unnamed Democratic Candidate says "I have a remote chance at beating Bush this year. Named Democratic Candidate? Not so much. So vote Unnamed Democratic Candidate for President"

R Lee Ermey

2004-02-02T23:51:00.000-06:00

Watching Mail Call on the History Channel and doing my part to not doom myself to repeating history. Heh, R. Lee, you just can't help but like this guy [WARNING: INTRO is R.L.E. giving you the D.I. treatment, loudly].. He's rough and rough and gruff. Moreso, he's old school in the way new school wishes they could be. The man really puts the hurt on the melons. Stupid, rotten, commie, melons.

NOW drop and give me 20!
Booo Yah!

Liar, Scaredy Yellow Pants

2004-02-02T09:07:00.000-06:00

About 11 months ago we hear reports of Saddam tough talking like this.

"Saddam Hussein has in recent days spoken on television of his intention to die in Iraq and to die fighting if necessary."

Then a little over a month and a half ago we hear this load of, well, lets just call it a load.

"My name is Saddam Hussein,...I am the president of Iraq and I want to negotiate."

Negotiate? Negotiate? Why not "My name is Saddam Hussein,...I am the president of Iraq and you'll never take me ALIIIIVE!!!, Muh wahahaha!"

The rest of the story could have read like this: Then the 'tyrant without a country' came out the hole, appearing to have muscled up during his time underground. With guns blazing, sixpack rippling, and mouth screaming 'Eat lead American pig-dogs', did a few bullet time moves as bullets whizzed by, realized he wasn't Neo and was then riddled with heavy machine gun fire, light arms fire, some small stones and more than a few spitwads.

Still firing his matching chrome plated 'Saddam city' specials and spouting bright read Sunni blood from dozens of newly American-made orifices, a few of which had been neatly plugged by the smattering of spitwad fire, Saddam screamed prpheticly 'Come on, you sons of men who have no sons can do better than that!, This will be the mother of all death scenes!' At that a flurry of grenades are lobbed into the air over his head and detonate, causing the Ramboesque scene to end as violently as it began. With Saddam coalescing into Hussein stew and draining back into the spider hole. Later, smiling but visibly grossed out coalition forces used an ice cream scoop to retrieve his carcass.

NOOOO, instead we get this load...er...story,

Saddam was hiding in a polystyrene-covered underground hide-out near one of his former palaces in his hometown of Tikrit. He was dishevelled and wearing a thick beard, and though he was armed with a pistol, the man who waged and lost two wars against the United States and its allies did not resist or fire a shot.

So the tough talk was just talk.

Know what worse than being a big loser? Being a big lying scaredy yellow pants loser loser. That's right, I said loser twice and I don't care. This Saddam capture story is about as stale as bag of crackers left out open on the counter for a month and a half but I don't care about that either.

My Where I Have Been Map.

2004-01-31T02:37:00.000-06:00

Thanks, black-5 for the link.

Am I a Southern boy or what?

create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Open Letter to Mydoom Author

2004-01-30T10:02:00.000-06:00

MSNBC - Mydoom threat still high;Microsoft offers reward:

"In addition to attacking Microsoft and SCO, the new version also tries to block victims from reaching antivirus Web sites. It also blocks ads served by about a dozen advertising network sites, including Ad.Doubleclick.net and ads.Fastclick.net."

To the guy/gal who wrote the mydoom worm:
Your Mydoom worm has really caused a stir. I would offer you one teesy little suggestion. Make it block SPAM.

If you had made it block spam, _{whos like spam?}, instead of blocking the anti-virus sites, but kept blocking the popup ads, you probably could have sold it, instead of giving it away free and made big bundles of $$$$$$$$

Also it could keep people from going to bad scary evil web places that nobody really has any business going. Such as "howtokillamanwithtoast.com" , "eBay" or "DeanforAmerica.com".

Drop me an email and we'll work out the plan for marketing it! Hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
SpaceMonkey

My View On Raising The Minimum Wage

2004-01-30T00:15:00.000-06:00

When I was in college I was in a fraternity. Next door to the house was a bar that served lunch during the day. Some of us would meet there for lunch everyday. I always got the burger. They served a really great burger, one you could actually eat every day and not get tired of. We enjoyed eating there and it kind of felt Melrose Placish. We'd laugh and shoot pool and argue about the argument of the day. Then, while we were eating there one day, the owner told us he was not going to be able to serve lunch any more, the restaurant was effectively closing but the bar would operate at night..

'Why?' we all demanded.

Well he explained it all to us, He was having to let his cook go. The one that made the eat-every-day-able hamburger. He told us he couldn't afford to pay him anymore. The minimum wage increase had passed and was going into effect.
My friends and I were out our midday social gathering, I was denied my daily burger, and the cook, a smallish oriental man who spoke no English, but smiled almost constantly, was out of a job.

Raising the minimum wage doesn't make everybody whose making it earn more. Some folks make much less as a result. Some folks aren't affected anymore than having fewer cozy places to relate with the gang.
Some folks just make do with lesser burgers, I STILL miss that burger, the fries (chips for some of you and you know who you are) weren't bad either. I was robbed of a unique simple pleasure by that stupid minimum wage increase.

WWAFD? What Would Al Franken Do? or Violence is the answer.

2004-01-28T23:16:00.000-06:00

When somebody is talking that you want to hear and then some body else is talking at the same time and you don't care to listen to them. What to do, what to do? Al Franken's answer? Sneak up behind and as nonviolently and in the most gentle and free speech protecting way you can bodyslam them. According to the NYPost article, he wasn't hurt, that is, Franken wasn't hurt. Strangely no word on the victim's/heckler's health status. Nor was there any mention of any Franken arrest for assault. Probably has a license to bodyslam or something similar.

UPDATE: Fake Quote of Stuart Smalley "I'm good enough, and I'm smart enough and doggonnit people like you need to shut up before I bodyslam you." - I crack myself up

The Oracle of Bacon at Virginia

2004-01-27T14:01:00.000-06:00

According to The Oracle of Bacon at Virginia, I am 3 degrees from Kevin Bacon.
"The Oracle says: Steven Seagal has a Bacon number of 2.

Steven Seagal was in Marked for Death (1990) with Keith (I) David
Keith (I) David was in Novocaine (2001) with Kevin Bacon "

How am I three degrees from the Baconator you might ask? And ask you might. I was an extra in Under Seige with Steven Seagal, which was filmed here in town.

And 1 (me to Steven) + 2 (Steven to Kevin) = *3.

Where Am I? I was a sailor in the scene where the Chinook helicopter bringing the band/terrorists landed on the deck of the USS Missouri. I am kneeling then standing just to the other side of Gary Busey as he stands from kneeling to approach the chopper. You can just barely see my profile. No autographs, please.

What's YOUR Bacon number?

UPDATE: Thanks to Mike The Marine, who points out newly uncovered (and fomerly overlooked by me ) truths from the Oracle Of Bacon. Mainly he points out
"Tommy Lee Jones was in JFK (1991) with Kevin Bacon" which gives me a Bacon number of (drum roll) **2. I couldn't recall his (Tommy Lee Jones') name when I was conjuring the previous version of this ~~steaming pile~~ thought provoking and pithy post. By the way, Mr Jones is quite an imposing character in person. A glare from him sent me into a puddle in order to get my bony self out of his way, one day on the set.

UPDATE2: I'm 2 degrees from Algore as well. Since he was Mr Jones' roommate in college. Ewwww, I regret knowing this.
_{*in your FACE, 4 degrees of Kevin Bacon people.}
_{**in my FACE, Me from earlier today and...in your FACE, 3 degrees of Kevin Bacon people.}

Miller's New Show Starts Tonight

2004-01-26T09:34:00.000-06:00

My Way News:Dennis Miller to Give Bush a Free Pass

My favorite part of his new show?
"And a monkey."
"You read that right. Miller wanted a simian presence, believing a monkey occasionally scampering across the studio floor will keep both guests and viewers on their toes, he said."

Well, who wouldn't like a monkey around? Evolutionist's would likely consider the monkey a member of the family. Creationists would consider the monkey one of God's wonderful creatures. All the bases are covered. Briilliant.

I wonder if the Flying Space variety would be acceptable for the show. Hmmmmm, anybody know Mr. Miller's email?

Thanks to the Poliblogger for the the link

Syndicated

2004-01-25T16:05:00.000-06:00

Ok, I've got an xml feed now. I hope you're happy. Shane.

Update: The xml url is on the Sidebar on the left, no, your other left. Thanks for pointing that out Dan.

Hey Moviemakers, Cut That CursingBleep Out.

2004-01-24T16:10:00.000-06:00

Since DVD's usually have multiple sound tracks, usu. adding French or Spanish language dubs.
Why not have a PG-Rated language version on there too? That would be cool. Hey, for that matter, why not have a theatre release which is also the TV edit? They are going to do it anyway when it finally goes on TV, why not increase their potential ticket buying viewerbase? I don't know, seems logical to me. Guess I'm just ahead of my time.

Overtoasted? Maybe

2004-01-24T14:27:00.000-06:00

If you think I am an overtoasted, toast talker talkin' about toast too much, look at this toasty post in the poliblog. Sheesh.

_{Really, I'm ONLY kidding. Toast is the meme of the future!! Toast, anyone?}

It's Alive?

2004-01-23T09:31:00.000-06:00

Spirit Rover Sending Data Again, Status Unclear

The Spirit Rover finally woke up this morning, still a little groggy, ate a balanced breakfast of sunlight and dry, white toast during a quick interview with Mission Control and headed off to explore. NASA and JPL issued a statement indicating a case of Martian Rover/Lander Flu (MRLF) has been deemed to be the cause of yesterday's sleep-in. MRLF or "MeRLFFFF' as the slang goes around among those in the 'know' at Mission Control is also the suspected cause of death for the ESA's 'Beagle 2' Lander, being smaller, punier, and linked to cheese eating surrender monkeys who prefer croissants to toast.

Spirit was visibly upset during the breakfast interview at comparison of it's unintelligible gibberish quasicommunications with Howard "Coward Scream" Dean's similar unintelligible gibberish. Defending himself in fashion that merits his name, Spirit said "Hey, at least I was sick and fevered. You are gonna make silly psycho sounds when you feel all endless loopy in the CPU like I was yesterday, but I'm all better now, The other guy? He needs to add "the factory" to the list of places he's gonna go. His 'captain insano' emotion chip clearly needs replacing, the one he's using is toast, man.......Angry dry white toast." Then, obviously losing interest in the interview and rolling away Spirit exclaimed, 'OOOH, LOOK! A MARS ROCK, another pretty, pretty MARS ROCK. TOASTY"

Scientist Makes Claim that DEAN is actually a "PROBE FROM MARS"

2004-01-23T08:00:00.000-06:00

Sutter's Mill USA - Respected Alienprobologist, Dr Xeno Milquetoast Dds, PhD, LGM. has made the announcement that DEAN is actually a "PROBE FROM MARS"
Milquetoast upon remembering how in The War of the Worlds the Martian attackers walked around killing humans everywhere with their heat rays, then all got sick and died because of earth bacteria, the idea struck him like a heat ray.

Milquetoast says that the Spirit Rover, possibly the Beagle II and other failed landers have all been affected by Martian microbes gumming up the works in a similar fashion. Milquetoast defines this term as when works get all gummy like when microbes get in them.

Milquetoast says "Missions to land on Mars have all fallen silent due to Martian microbe-caused gummy works. It's a plague. We've probing them, they are probing us back and I have the proof!''

"Deans incessant ranting, not quite human emotional response, expressions, and reaction and the otherworldly screech, desire for world domination are clear indicators that he's a alien presence in the form of an almost human like replicant, y'know like in Blade Runner, but without the expiration date, sort of War Of The World Martian Attack Thingy Mark II. Maybe he's not completely gummed up yet but his works are DEFINITELY getting gummier. Gummy to the point of psychotic episodes."

Milquetoast observes, "He makes little to no sense. Did you notice the similarity between his screech and the Mars Rover current unintelligible gibberish?"

Milquetoast adds in a serious tone, "Also note how he jabs his 'finger' out as though sampling the earth air with a probe-tool."
"Note also how he's always taking his coat off and rolling up his sleeves. Earth is a veritable oven compared to Mars, so of course he's gonna be taking off layers to keep his heat ray from overheating and killing the electorate, before he's ready for that phase of his plan, that is."
"Why do you think he keeps his records as Governor of Vermont sealed? The first line of his Governor's Journal probably reads 'I now am leader a land region the earth beings call 'Vermont', The earth beings are easy to trick but not so easy to emulate. After I overthrow their world power, the 'U.S.A.', they will be fun to toast with my heat ray. I do so miss the probe factory back on Mars where I was built. Got to go, works feeling gummy, yeeeeahrrg.'"

"Dean's a Martian probe, that's all there is to it. You've been warned, don't blame me when he heat rays all over New Hampshire or Connecticut or Texas or.....Well, you get the point."

This Fake News is brought to you by: Milquetoast Anti-Heat Ray Clothing. 'Remember, friends, You won't get toasted if you're wearing Milquetoast'

The Krauts had it wrong. We Don't Got Him After All

2004-01-22T10:39:00.000-06:00

Reuters | Latest Financial News / Full News Coverage: "U.S. Official: No Truth to Rumor Bin Laden Captured "

Well that euphoria was a short lived ~18 minutes
*Sigh* Still, I think I scooped the blogiverse on the 'bin Laden captured' unfounded rumor meme..
SpaceMonkey AWAAAAAAY!!!!

UPI: bin Laden captured???

2004-01-22T10:21:00.000-06:00

Interest!ALERT: Quality Content: "Report: bin Laden held
BERLIN, Jan. 22 (UPI) -- Al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden has been captured, Germany's Die Welt newspaper reported Thursday.

If this is true....heh heh WOW.

Update: Die Welt has this relevant looking breaking news item. "USA dementieren Gerücht über Festnahme Osama bin Ladens" but I dont read German and there nothing else there ,no link, no nothing, just a B&W graphic of an exclamation point.
SpaceMonkey AWAAAAAAY!!!!

Dean's Plan For Dominating Zorhod 4 of the Trendax Cluster

2004-01-21T22:57:00.000-06:00

I'm sure everyone heard Dr. Dean's rousing redfaced litany of states, nations, planets, globular clusters and extradimensional realms he will crush under his ~~jackboots~~ stylish loafers on his path to Supreme Dark Overlord of the Universe. Then he cleared his throat and coughed up 40 lbs of pure evil in the process.

Throat clearing and evil phlegm gurgling aside. Sounds like a well thought out and logical plan. I will sum it up if I may in a single word.

WIN!

With a fool-proof plan like that, he can't lose. It's utter genius! Only the Dr could come up with a plan like that.

One has to wonder though, why didn't he come up with that plan BEFORE the Iowa caucus. Ahh yes, the ways of the Dean are a mystery. But the news is great for all you Deanfans out there, since victory is assured, you can all sleep well in your biopods. Resistance is futile and pangalactic triumph is within your grasp. The trip down gumdrop lane has begun and won't end till the Dean finds the magic num num tree. Tralahlah lahlah treleelee leelee, wubba wubba.

Zoink.
SpaceMonkey AWAAAAAAY!!!!